Long Forgotten 7

EMAIL 7

Howday,

this television broadcast is being brought to you by me and a much more interesting friend of mine brock barber. he is staying at my house so i decided to put him through the rituals of becoming a long boring email writer. he passed all the preliminaries so we are ready for his field training.

i have decided to start off this email on my own and have my apprentice gradually join me. actually he is busy emailing strong-bad on my other computer so i thought i would go ahead and tell you all a story. i would tell you to close your eyes so you can imagine it better but if you do that you cant read it. so forget that. just imagine that you are a cartoon or a saved by the bell character and you are thinking about something that happened in the past and you hear that harp sound and the screen starts to do the ripple effect......

it all started about three summers ago. my friends nathan and derik decided to go to camp with me. it was one of the best/worst experiences of my life. best in the aspect that i really got to know my youth pastor, juan esparza (he was our counselor) and it was prolly the only time in the history and future of my life that i could beat derik in bball. (that is actually because i almost broke his back so no im not good) it was bad for several reasons........(cue the harp music again...it soothes me)

first....i swear that there were two kids in my room that were sent to a correctional facility and somehow went to the wrong camp. instead of boot camp they ended up in my cabin. there were two of them....it would have been ok in a single dose but two? no. it just didnt work. nathan and derik eventually left to live in another cabin while i, well i stayed with juan and the phsycos. it was definately an experience.

the second main reason it was bad.....is everyone got hurt. it all started with juan. he thought that he could outrun all of us. duh....no....he was like 8 years older and we had derik to beat him. so we were racing to some place of no consequence and juan stepped in a hole and twisted his ankle. and he got hurt pretty bad. couldnt walk. it was annoying. then i jumped on deriks back in a moment of mental commercial and i think i about killed him. it really stunk. eventually everyone hurt at least a little.

the third and main reason that it was bad is because i had prolly 30 girls tell me i had pretty eyes. that is no exageration. i was an inocent little kid getting hit on by all these slutty inner city kids. i felt disgusting. i hated it. juan thought this was hilarious so he always complemented my eyes around the girls and then they would go off about them. yes that was disturbing.

well...this whole pretty eye thing started a title wave of annoying sayings about my eyes. it really annoyed me. see my eyes change color and i think it makes people notice them. well....i told my friend devon herron about this camp thing and he didnt really believe me i dont think. then we went to lawrence together. we were just innocently walking around on mass street when these two lesbians came up and one of them told me i had pretty eyes. i kinda freaked out and just walked away. they did too. but later when we were looking for a place to eat they walked back by. the lesbian girl said once again that i had pretty eyes and then she asked me if i would smell her. what kind of a question is that? that is sooo twisted. first of all im homophobic and second i dont like physical contact anyway. im getting over both of those as i get less and less like a hermit though. well this girl grabs my head while im in shock and pulls it towards her to make me smell her. i never did smell her. i think for a while i stopped breathing entirely. she let go of me and said some stuff. i dont remember what. i was still in shock. devon could prolly tell you. he  thought it was hilarious. no. it was gross. i think its really twisted that i can say that i got "hit on" by lesbians.

well that brings me to my latest story. not too long ago i went to the renaissance festival with aubrey and libby and jessica. well they decided that it would be funny if i took a picture with a drag queen. ugh. that was twisted. im not going to lower myself into describing what he did to me in this email. if your really want to know you can ask libby or jessica or aubrey. im sure they would like to tell you. but dont ask me cause i dont want to tell anyone. i want to forget. but he did say one thing that really stick out to me. "you have pretty eyes" GRRRRRRRR. how i hate that line.

see i am a very weird person. i feel happier when i listen to depressing music and i feel annoyed when people complement me. irony...i hear its good for the blood.

alrighty then, now that my long story is out of the way we can get down to....well...the end of thanksgiving break. is that called breaking? brock would like to start off by saying how beautiful he is. he is still single and well....he is definately a good looker.....if he lived in the 16th century. brock fell in love with chanute. dont think...let me explain. he comes from a town (la cynge) that has no underground movie club and no subway. la cynge has around 2000 people in it. it is a really cool place i think. my gramma lives there so sometimes i just go up there and crash for a weekend. its great. but it can run out of entertainment. so can chanute but not as quickly. brock says that la cynge is the hick capital of america. i suppose he is right. i mean he would know better than i would since he does live there and all. well....brocks dad is the mayer of la cynge. they call him king of the hicks. isnt that awesome? i wanna be the king of the hicks someday? i guess that seeing as how brocks dad is king of the hick....isnt brock the prince of the hicks? hehehe...i would be proud of that. someday maybe i will follow in their footsteps. do you have to be a hick to hold that position? well....maybe. but i could break that line of tradition. brock has just informed me that there are several different levels of hick-hood. first is a townie. he described it as ...."someone who is born of hick parents but does not resemble those qualities." next is a red-neck which is described as "the people who wear overalls without shirts, and sit on their porch in broken rocking chairs while they drink beer....not the good kind...the cheap kind." the third level of hick-hood is the corner hick. this is commonly described something like this "the dumb guys with the straw cowboy hats that smoke pot on the corners by the stop lights. (if you have no stop lights then it is downgraded to the 5 foot stopsigns) this is basically the modern generation of red-neck." level four would be the true hick "they are the epitome of hick. when many people pass judgement upon those who are part of the hick-hood, the usually consider them a level four hick. this however is not an easy level to reach. to be a level four hick you much have: at least 2 vehicles up on blocks at the same time; you must also live in a single wide trailer (this is usually white in color with a yellow stripe running along the side), that has several years of uncared for mildew that used to only grow around the lower edges but has now managed to reach the gutters; they must have a hand-made porch made of cinder blocks; they must have a single front tooth; the male of the household is usually refered to by his friends as bubba; the female most often works for a house of burgles (strip club); must have at least 4 coon dogs trained in the deadly art of leakage; the families only form of transportation is a 30 year old truck (usually a ford but for those families that are more well-to-do they have chevys)." la cynge is full of all four kinds. chanute is too but it has more people so it becomes less noticeable at times.

well now that we are done expressing our feelings about hick-hood, we will move on to a more enjoyable topic. music.i would like to start out by saying that radial angel is absolutely amazing. you should go see them on december 12 in moore ok. (that stands foroklahoma...so its not a question) brock is in a band called loytr. they were walking around a hall while they were thinking about a name and a teacher came out and told them to stop loitering. they decided to use that and spell it phoenetically correct. later on they decided to apply Biblical meaning to the name. james 5:7-8 talks about waiting on God. they often play with bands like unified front and three way stop. loytr might come play at the coffee house someday. im working on that as we speak. brock calls that multitasking. im kinda behind the terms. thats kinda a cool idea though. i mean if i could make a band name for all the times my teachers have yelled at me then i would be like....sooo cool. but no. i dont think of applying my discipline to daily life. i just live and let die. "watch out for that mailbox" but the most important thing is that a name sounds cool. it has to be something that attracts young peoples attention. something like "dead prom kittens" or "cancel draft shafters" or in a more hotmailish way "send save draft cancel" but they need to be pheonetically correct. like "ded prom kitinz" that brings us to song names. the music is only as cool as the name of the song. no one knows why. some people dont care what the song is called. well...none of them ever owned kazaa. so you need cool song titles like "morning before the death penalty" or "dont come searching cause im shopping" but that last one only works if your a girl band. lots of bands are taken away with money and people and chatting. but not loytr. they are about what God wants them to do. even if that means that they have to stay home in la cynge for a while. "hotmail-my msn"

due to the fact that you prolly stopped reading this email an hour ago....and you are just now waking up....go ahead wipe the sleep out of your eyes then keep going. just remember that everything that is said in these emails is written when we have been sleep deprived. so anything that we say can and will be held against us in a court of law. so basically dont take anything we say too seriously. if your family likes to sit on broken rockers on their cinder block porch its cool. we wont judge ya. i just dont think its for me. if ya know what i mean. so brock and i are sitting here wondering what to say. right now i just think that you all should be thanking God that somebody was smart enought to create a backspace button so i could fix all of my misspelled words. otherwise you would prolly be even more clueless about what im talking about than you already are.

for the dynamic duo (me and brock) gnight and God bless your eyesight

later -us

 

all rights of the long boring emails are preserved by the mississippi senate of counseling young teens (MSCYT) and is promoted by the rebellion of the pants (ROB) and the over-throw of the penguin brigade (OVERTHROWOFTHEPENGUINBRIGADE). copywrite infringement can and will be prosicuted by penalty of removal of all eyelashes and eyebrows. for all males your nose hair will be plucked and females will have no rights to a razor and will not be allowed to shave their armpits or legs for 18 months (other penalties will apply to the french)